Lately I have been very blasé in my posts. I have been far from allowing myself to be sincerely naked in thoughts. The sad part is I can pinpoint the exact moment I allowed that change to happen. I deeply apologize to my readers and I will try my hardest to get back to my writing style that many enjoyed reading.
I like to share my thoughts and my life lessons whether they be good or bad. That may be a little obtrusive to some in their thoughts and that’s ok. My only suggestion is to stop reading at this point. Not many people share their thoughts 100% of the time. In fact if you listen closely you will hear that 89% (this is not a proven fact just a simple observation) of what people are willing to share is only the things that turn out in their favor. Nobody wants to share the bad stuff or the lessons they learned the hard way. If they do this then that will mean the perfect image they have built up for other to see would be false. Nobody wants to be seen as a failure or as a person needing guidance. That makes them weak. This used to be my belief anyhow.
In my opinion, which is newly formed these days, a person who asks for guidance and admits their faults is a much stronger force then someone who breaks themselves trying to look perfect. What is more refreshing than someone with all out honesty showing their imperfections without a blanket of coverage in sight. Flaws are beauty and beauty is imperfect. That is a fact!
I was told in a conversation a few weeks back that I can easily intimidate people. That I give off this presence (for lack of a better word) that I am perfect and have all my ducks in a row. I cannot tell you how speechless that made me feel but also how much laughter followed those remarks. I can sit here and tell you now how completely and utterly far from perfect I am. I cannot even fathom someone seeing me in that light nor would I ever want them too. I like not being perfect. What a boring life perfect would be. Perfect I am not and ducks in a row I certainly do not have. I am mess of imperfection and I have not achieved the things I have wanted to achieve at this point in my life. I have failed many times over and have learned the same lesson twice maybe three times in some instances before I got it right. I am painfully nervous when I meet a cute guy. I am akwardly quite when I feel out of place. I have things I wish I could change about myself just like anyone else. I can be judgy and catty at times and I let my stubborn side overpower myself more than I like. I despise admitting when I am wrong even when I know I should. I have lied and I have done things that I am not proud of but what makes it worth it in the end is with all of that.. those things have made me a better person for how I left those situations and what I took from them.
Just yesterday I thought I was going to breakdown in tears and my heart was going to beat out of my chest all because I was not honest about something. It was the smallest of somethings and I don’t even know why I was not forthright with the information but it was done and I felt the heat from it. I was sitting at my desk watching my office walls close in on me and the room quickly becoming 20 degrees hotter. I knew in my heart it was dumb and I was wrong but it was the admitting and confessing part that got me. The most valuable lesson I learned here was I am a terrible…I mean horrible liar. 100%…hands down …I suck at telling a lie. Even the smallest of things… I can’t do it and I certainly cant get away with it. The moment someone opened their mouth I literally blurted out my confession. This was not a moment I am proud of even if it was just a small silly little thing. I was devastated with myself. But I now know why I never got away with things when I was little. I probably told on myself even when I did get away scott free.
I am not perfect and never want to be in that category. I am perfectly imperfect and I don’t expect anyone else to be.
Take today and use it to try to be more honest with yourself and to others. Realize its okay to have imperfections. It’s hard to admit you are not perfect but just remember nobody is perfect no matter what you see on the outside. They have flaws just like everyone else. Some people are just better at covering them up than others. Love who you are, where you have been, and what you have become. Let people in to see the real you. Until you can learn to do that you will always be lying to yourself.
{There is never a more honest moment than that initial glimpse into a childs eyes}
{love loudly.}
Very nice. Thanks for sharing. You’re pretty awesome Brandy.
Thank you so much. That’s very nice to hear.
“I love the terms take a chance or take a leap of faith, but even more so…how about we take a leap of doubt. If you have something in front of you that you feel strongly about and doubt starts making you waiver… jump. Don’t jump away from it….this will only store it away for a later time. Jump head on into it and prove the doubt to be silly. If you don’t then in the end you will always be left wondering …what if? (Doubts nasty counterpart). ..what if I had stayed? ….what if I did not quit?… What if I did not end things?… What if I still believed?… what if?… what if?… what if?…”
I took that great leap once. It taught me that doubt exists for a reason. By making that leap without allowing for the doubt to work its way out, I allowed it to manifest itself into something real. Now I have to live with a ton of “what ifs” that never had to exist. I’m not arguing with or putting down your great post in any way. I’m just adding the other side of the argument. I love your blog and I love that you are so honest with your writing. I hope it continues to grow, just like you.
I think you meant to put this on the DOUBT post but here is my response to yours. Again this is just my thoughts and I encourage anyone to share their opinions openly.
You say you once took that leap without fully letting doubt exit your mind and soul, in turn it grew to eventually overtake you and in the end… doubt won out. This is what it sounds like happened to me from what you wrote. You sir are my classic case for this post. Let me explain why for a moment and please take no offense, I am certainly not an expert. The red light I got in your post was you immediately had that nasty little thought…doubt and you let it control the situation whether you took that leap or not. It did not matter because you had already given in it seems.
But here is where it can get tricky. You may take that chance and it can go one of two ways… 1. it works out and things are great…2. It fails miserably and you are left wishing you stayed where you started. I never promise a happy outcome but I do promise in either situation there will be a spark of growth in your soul. Take either option and know it. Feel it. Nourish it. Because both of those are important feelings to know in your heart. A heart can never know it is fully happy until it has learned sadness.
I hope this all makes sense and the point is to let go of your doubt and take a chance in life…good or bad…if you did not in the end you will be left wondering What If… It is up to you whether you let the doubt continue to manifest in your mind after that leap. That is you poisoning your own well. Learn to let go.
Ooops… Yes, It was definitely meant for the Doubt post. I’m afraid lucidity is becoming a rare and somewhat unwelcome state for me lately.
When I took the leap, the doubt was gone. Otherwise I would never have left the ground. I still didn’t know if everything would work out like I wanted it to, but I knew I wanted it badly enough to risk anything to try.
“Stay cool and be somebody’s fool this year”
The doubt that interfered with my happiness was not mine. Someone else’s unfounded fears grew to proportions out of control, and in the end it defeated both of us. If I had anything to do with those doubts, perhaps there would have been something I could have done. Unfortunately, these doubts existed long before I arrived.
If, as you say, a heart can’t know it’s happy until it has learned sadness, then my heart cannot be matched in its wisdom of happiness. I personally think the happiest hearts are those that have never truly known anything. But, as far as doubt is concerned, this event erased a lot of it from my soul. It removed my doubts concerning true love. Now, I have no doubt that what people call true love is most commonly only what seems comforting and convenient at the time. And I have no doubt about its ephemeral existence.
“When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability, to be alive is to be vulnerable.”–Madeleine L’Engle
In essence, doubt exists in humans for a reason. It protects us from believing in fairy tales and princesses. It keeps us grounded in how things are, and not just how we want them to be. There are certainly times when doubt prevents us from taking a chance that might end up great. But it also prevents us from taking chances that will end horribly, or in some cases permanently.
Well I think I’ve added enough negativity to your happy BLOG. Your response to my first comment was even more beautiful than your original post. You are obviously one of the rare people who strives to understand themselves and along the way comes to the understanding that we aren’t necessarily good, or bad. We just are, and everything else is relative. Keep the thoughts coming Brandy. Words are the only thing we have that make us human.